Episode 5: Our Dilemma
< Elliot Amaryllis ♀>
When it comes to items that were ‘shared’, the person that had a stronger presence within the space owned the ‘shared’ item.
For example, the family photo in our room.
I was in the photo, not Elliot ♂.
One more proof is elder sister Luna’s reaction when she first saw Elliot ♂.
She said she didn’t know she had a younger brother. And she also kicked him out of the chat group. That meant that in comparison to him, I had a bigger presence in the family.
I wasn’t sure if Elliot ♂ knew this.
“So it’s true huh…”
“True?”
Leon was showing me the images for this year, and last year’s track club photographs. Almost all of them were me in action, only a few were that of Elliot ♂.
“You see how most of the photos here are me, right? But when it comes to class photos, it’s him. Look.”
I pointed to the photo collection in last year’s yearbook.
“That’s odd indeed.”
“I’m looking at the possible factors that decide which comes out on top.”
“As in, what decides which of you would be in the photos?”
“Something like that.”
“Then what does it mean if someone has your photo instead of Elliot’s?”
“My current hypothesis is that whoever is in the scene means they were much more significant at that point in time.”
“Then that…”
It’s quite erroneous when put that way… isn’t it?
Well.
It probably doesn’t matter, since it was equipoise. The fact that Aria’s photo was that of him meant that…
Aria found him more important than me.
──•~❉᯽❉~•──
“Morning Elliot.”
“Morning…”
Aria greeted me as I took my seat in class.
I notice her then shift her attention behind—towards Elliot ♂, and greet him in the same manner.
Aria then turned to me.
“You look a little down today. Is anything the matter?”
“Nothing.”
Regardless, some things had already changed.
Not only with Aria, but also with Ellis.
Elliot ♂ was talking to Ellis fine now.
Like, she just got to class and the first person she talks to is him.
I noticed her emerald eyes shift my way. I quickly looked away.
“Aria, borrow me your chemistry homework.”
“Why?”
“I have a few questions I left blank because I didn’t know the answer.”
“Then… wouldn’t Elliot also have left those same questions blank?”
“I’ll copy them from you first and then pass them over to him.”
“Okay, but please alter the answers a little.”
Aria didn’t mind. I did though.
The fact that the first thing that came to her mind was him.
“Elliot, m-morning.”
I was finishing up the last two questions when Ellis’ voice came from behind me.
“Morning Ellis…”
My reply wasn’t too cold, hopefully.
“What’s this?”
Ellis asked.
“Homework.”
Aria answered in my stead, jokingly.
“Did you finish it?”
“I did. And Aria, you really shouldn’t just let them copy your work every time.”
“Oh no. It’s only for the few questions they struggle to answer.”
My chest felt like it was being twisted into pretzels just by being in their presence.
Damn it.
Why do they have to be together all the time?
I wish I hadn’t won that rock paper scissor match. I wouldn’t be in this hot seat if I lost.
“Done! Thank you!”
I stood up and hurriedly made my way over to Elliot ♂, leaving the two ticking time bombs in the dust.
I only had two questions to copy after all.
“Elliot, chemistry homework.”
I slammed my book down before my other self.
He was calmly talking to Oliver and Willow before snapping his attention towards me.
“What?”
“The blank questions. I copied them from Aria.”
I gasped.
He looked at me a little funny.
“Hold on.”
He rummaged through his bag and took out his book.
Then flipping to the numbered page…
“Huh? Weird. I don’t have any blank questions.”
“Huh? You don’t?”
“No. I knew how to do all of them…”
Our eyes met.
This wasn’t the first time we were experiencing this… dissociation.
──•~❉᯽❉~•──
It was the beginning of the break period. Our chemistry teacher had just left the classroom.
“Elliot, want to have lunch together?”
Aria asked Elliot ♂ who came and approached my seat. I kept my head lowered towards my book.
“Not today perhaps?”
He said apologetically.
“I see…”
“We’ll meet you at the library later again.”
“You’re right.”
“Elliot.”
I raised my head to look at him.
“Let’s go.”
What? You’re calling me?
“Go? How about Aria.”
“Just follow me.”
What?
He looked just as confused as I was?
Was it going to be just the two of us today? Why did he turn down Aria?
Why can’t I understand his intentions?
Without much energy to decide, I got up and followed him out of the classroom.
“What do you plan to get later?”
He asked.
“I don’t know.”
“Same.”
We normally only choose what to buy at the cafeteria after seeing what they have on the day’s menu. That much was as usual.
“They have okonomiyaki today.”
“Then I want that.”
“I guess… I’ll have the yoghurt salad instead.”
And the fact that if we wanted to order the same thing, the other person would order something else stayed the same.
“Where are we going?”
“The rooftop.”
“The rooftop?”
“Oliver and Willow are there.”
“Oh.”
I wanted to ask if Ellis joined… I didn’t have the courage to.
Though, it was a pointless concern as it really was just that carefree couple with us today.
“Yo.”
“Eh? You didn’t bring Aria with you?”
“Nope. For today at least.”
“Suspicious.”
“Shut it.”
A shaded, windy area at the highest point of the school compound.
It had a nice view of the city from here. A train line following the path of the river towards the right, and the distant silhouette of Gilgamesh Tower weaved into the city background towards the left.
I ate half the okonomiyaki and passed it to him.
He passed me one of the two yoghurt salads he bought.
“Do you two share food like this?”
Willow asked.
“Sometimes.”
“Looks like all the time.”
Oliver wasn’t convinced by Elliot’s ♂ answer.
I dug into the yoghurt salad. Correction: yoghurt fruit salad.
“How’s exam preparation?”
“It’s been okay, I suppose.”
Elliot ♂ said, all wishy-washy.
“You’ve been studying with Aria lately right? Ellis told me about it.”
“With Elliot.”
Elliot ♂ didn’t forget to include me.
Ellis only joined us on Fridays. The reason being that afterwards, we’d all go out to have high tea together. Like, can’t we celebrate the beginning of a new weekend with cake?
“Willow.”
Oliver showed her his half-eaten burger.
“Wow, are you trying to copy them? Don’t mind if I do.”
And just like that, the couple readily performed a couple-like act before the two of us.
It felt like watching mom and dad all over again. Except, they were more modest. Hold on, did they just say ‘copying us’?
I turned to Elliot ♂ and noticed him eying me with a side-long gaze.
“What?”
I asked.
“What?”
What? Is that all you’re going to say?
“Elliot, to begin with, we’re the same.”
He said.
“As if.”
“Until a few days ago.”
“…”
“If you want to stop doing things as we usually do, just give the word. But remember, we’ve been sharing food like this ever since the first day, and you know that.”
I found myself unable to respond to his frank comment. Things were changing.
No.
I was changing. For better or worse, more and more.
I was starting to lose my ability to understand him.
My ability to understand myself.
──•~❉᯽❉~•──
“Hey, Elliot.”
I called out to him as we were walking back to class after recess.
“Yes?”
“Why did you leave Aria behind?”
“Because you looked uncomfortable.”
He answered as if he had prepared for my question in advance.
Really? I looked uncomfortable? Isn’t that synonymous with saying I’m getting in their way? Or is that supposed to be his consideration for me?
“It’s like you’re belittling me.”
I frowned.
“You’re getting the wrong idea—damn, dealing with you feels like I’m dealing with Ellis all over again.”
Wow, what a rude comparison.
“Whatever it is, it’s as Aria said, you’ve been out of it ever since we began studying together.”
He looked at me sincerely. To hell with that expression of yours. You already know why I feel like this, it’s not as if I had any say in the matter.
“The problem lies with me, not you. So just do what you’re supposed to. I’m sorry for getting in the way.”
I walked ahead of him and entered the class.
“…”
Yet somehow I could feel his sticky gaze on my back.
──•~❉᯽❉~•──
“Aria, could you explain this again? What’s the difference between a closed system and an open one?”
As usual, Elliot ♂ and I alongside Aria went to the library to study for the midterms.
Aria seemed to already know the whole year’s syllabus by heart. Instead of ‘us’ studying, it felt more like she was tutoring us.
I thought I understood why Aria had good grades. Now I just think she was born with the smarts.
We were taking time away for her to study, yet she hasn’t once slipped whenever we asked a question. It’s insane. What kind of performance-boosting drugs does she take at home?
I stood up from the chair.
“I’ll be back.”
“From where?”
Elliot ♂ looked at me.
“I’m just going to use the washroom for a bit.”
“Oh, okay.”
“Be careful.”
I glance at them once more before walking away.
“Aria, can you check this for me? Why couldn’t I get the right answer for this?”
“Let me see.”
Their hushed voices were heard in the background.
Almost two weeks have passed since the end of Golden Week. For the length of time since then, we had been in and out of the library during the afternoons to study.
Truly, Aria was a prodigy in academics through and through.
I was grateful that she was willing to spare effort and time to help us perform at our best on the upcoming exams.
But…
I pressed my back against the back of a shelf and peeked.
And from the gaps between the books, I watched as Aria leaned her head against Elliot.
Her lustrous red hair fell across his shoulders. I imagined their hands intertwined under the table.
I bit my lips.
The past two weeks of being together in the library had also shown me something else.
The kind of relationship these two had. It was clearer than ever.
Aria only treated me like a friend, the one she truly liked was him. It was for this reason that I was slowly losing touch with my other self.
We were splitting because of her.
Worse.
It wasn’t in my right to decide who Elliot ♂ dates. After all, I wouldn’t want him making a fuss if I dated someone too.
──•~❉᯽❉~•──
“We’re back.”
“Mom, dad, we’re home.”
“Welcome back.”
“Welcome back dear.”
We finally got back home after a long day at school.
“What are we having for dinner today?”
“What do you think?”
I obviously can’t guess what kind of concoctions mom will make each day. Just yesterday she tried making yoghurt curry. It tasted as good as it sounds.
“Elliot, I’m going to take a shower first. Need me to carry your bag upstairs?”
I asked.
“How about I do it for you instead? I’ll get you your clothes on the way, which ones are you wearing?”
Does it matter if Elliot ♂ picks out the underwear under my nightgown? No, it absolutely does not.
“The usual blue one.”
“Got it.”
I handed my bag over to Elliot ♂ and went straight to the washroom.
There I saw Jasper looking into the mirror with his mouth wide open.
“Hello.”
“Owh. Wehlcome bacckh.”
“Another tooth?”
He closed his mouth with a frustrated look.
“Yeah.”
“How many does that make it now?”
He’s dropped like 4 of them in 2 months. Were things always this severe for kids his age?
“I can’t wait when you begin growing pimples.”
“Damn you.”
He glared at me.
I grinned.
Hehe.
I locked the door and began undressing.
Then walking to the shower, I turned the heater to a reasonable setting and stood under the pouring water. The warm water was soothing to my stiff neck.
Seriously… when will the next holiday begin?
I caught a whiff of my own hair and decided that I should probably wash it today. I lathered myself humming.
In the middle of the soaping process, I heard a knock at the door.
I think Elliot ♂ said something, I couldn’t hear it clearly. Either way, it must be my clothes.
After rinsing my soapy hair, I treated it with a conditioner. The rancid smell disappeared, substituted by a nice floral scent.
Turning off the shower, my head felt heavy from all the water. I took two clean towels. One to wrap my body, one to wrap my hair. Then I peeked outside, took my clothes, and came back in.
I changed inside the bathroom.
Hm… the innerwear pair he picked looked well matched. Did he actually put some thought into what I’m going to wear on the inside?
“Elliot, your turn!”
I shouted to him as I got out of the bath.
“Got it.”
I heard Elliot’s ♂ voice from the kitchen.
When I got to the bedroom, I sat on the desk and turned on the hair dryer.
I looked at myself in the mirror.
Fingers tracing through the strands of my somewhat curly brunette hair.
Before I met Elliot ♂, I always thought that my face looked odd. Little things like my pimple growth and the slightly crooked nose bothered me.
But having seen my face in his for so many weeks, I’ve come to find that it actually doesn’t look so bad.
Frankly, while I do admit that I look eerily similar to Elliot ♂, I think we’re both quite charming.
Though…
“How do I look to Aria anyways?”
If we look the same then… the problem isn’t the looks.
“My gender.”
It has always been my gender.
First Ellis, now Aria.
How many more rejections will I have to face in the future just because of some stupid gender orientation?
Why was I born lesbian while he was born straight? I heaved a sigh.
“Whatever.”
I saw my own frown in the mirror. It looked exactly like the one Elliot ♂ made when he saw Ellis before they reconciled three weeks ago.
Seriously?
How ‘self’ conscious am I?
“Fuck.”
Am I going crazy?
──•~❉᯽❉~•──
“I’m going to bed.”
“Alright.”
I pulled the blanket over my face and blocked the light out.
I could hear Elliot still texting. It was so annoying I wanted to pull my hair out.
Who was he texting?
Aria again?
Or Ellis?
I swear I told Ellis to fuck off a long time ago, didn’t I? Why was she still using Elliot ♂ as a bridge to get closer to me?
Doesn’t she know the pain of heartbreak? Who does she think of me as anyways? A convenient friend?
“Elliot.”
I heard him call my name.
“We’ll stop staying back at the library. Aria said she will start focusing on her studies from tomorrow onwards.”
“What?”
I pulled my blanket down a little to peek at him.
His brunette hair and crimson eyes. Hell, he really does just looks like me.
“We’re not going to hang out with Aria anymore starting tomorrow.”
He repeated.
“…Alright.”
I have a stinking suspicion that it must’ve something to do with my situation. I think he’s ditching Aria, not that Aria ever needed to study.
Why? For me? Seriously?
You should consider yourself okay? I’m just a whiny bitch trying to cope with heartbreak. I shouldn’t be a reason for you to excuse the one you like.
“And.”
“And?”
He looked away.
His lips moved, but I didn’t catch his words.
“…What? Can you repeat that?
“Like I said. I’m…”
Again, I didn’t hear it.
Really?
Did I not hear it or was I denying it?
“…”
“I’m sorry Elliot.”
“When?”
“After the exam.”
“Oh…”
So that’s what he said.
Right.
Of course, he was.
No matter how considerate he may try to be towards me, this was an unavoidable outcome anyway.
──•~❉᯽❉~•──
“Congratulations to everyone. With the exams now over, I hope everyone looks forward to the school holidays.”
“YEaAHH!!”
“HOLIDAYSS!!”
“Shit! I think I messed up the last part!”
The midterm exam was over, cheers of the class belied the heavy rain pouring outside.
Rather than joy, I felt melancholy. What exactly is this?
“How did you do?”
Only for the exam period, our seats were completely shifted based on alphabetical order. So, Elliot ♂, who was sitting right behind me kicked my chair.
“It wasn’t bad.”
I said, turning to him.
“Wasn’t bad? You could answer more than half of the essay questions, couldn’t you?”
“Yeah.”
Thanks to Aria’s tutoring.
Speaking of Aria, here she comes now.
“How was it?”
““Not bad.””
Oops. We synced again. Aria suppressed a laugh.
“Well, that sounds good to me.”
“Yo! Can you believe it! We’re going to the beach for our summer trip!”
Cocky Oliver jumped in with some shocking news.
“The beach?”
“Yeah! It’s been rumoured that the 3-day, 3-night getaway will be at The Caribbean Boulevard, can you imagine that?”
No way?
I had always wanted to visit the ocean again ever since our parents brought us there last year.
“How sure are you?”
Of course, Elliot ♂ was sceptical and so was I. Well, the location was a very important factor for him because it’ll affect his schedule for ‘that’ plan.
“I got the info from Willow.”
“And I got it from Richard-sensei!”
Willow wrapped her arms around Oliver.
“Wow, wow. I almost fell.”
“Sorry~”
“Jeez, you two should really cut it out.”
From over in the distance Ellis snickered.
“I’m going first, enjoy your holidays.”
She said and left.
“We should probably leave too, before the rain gets worse.”
Aria said as if prompted by Ellis.
Looking out the opaque window… I seriously couldn’t tell how the rain could get any worse than it was now.
“Let’s go.”
And so Elliot ♂, Aria and I went to the entrance hall. There we realised something.
“You don’t have an umbrella do you?”
Elliot ♂ asked.
“You should have already guessed that by now can you?”
We both heaved a sigh while Aria, the sole person holding her pink umbrella stood between us with a question mark appearing above her head.
No way three people can share one umbrella.
We couldn’t ask Oliver and Willow for help either because they were already sharing an umbrella a few metres in front of us, completely unaware of our predicament.
“You know, I have an idea.”
Elliot ♂ said. Then digging into his bag, there was for some reason a raincoat.
“Aria, once you reach your car, do you mind borrowing Elliot your umbrella so that she can get to the station? We’ll make sure to return it during the school trip.”
“Sure thing.”
“Then I’ll make a move first. Sorry about this, thanks Aria.”
“No, it’s not a problem.”
Elliot ♂ crudely put on the raincoat and made a mad dash into the white fog of rain.
“How about we go?”
“Let’s wait a little longer…”
Aria muttered, staring at her hand watch.
Silently, I waited.
In the minutes that passed, mysteriously, the heavy rain became lighter.
“Looks like Sebas was right, it did lighten significantly.”
“What?”
Like seriously what the fuck? Weather control?
“Let’s go.”
Sebastians, especially those of a butler lineage are mythical beings I’ll let you know that much. I wouldn’t be surprised if the one taking care of Aria was somehow also an SPF.
Aria and I stepped out of the school building. I felt her slender hand clutching mine at the handle.
And it was here I realised that… I was sharing an umbrella with Aria.
The Aria Ocean.
The one I had a crush on.
The one he loved.
The one I loved.
I bit my lips.
“Aria.”
“Yes?”
My already soft voice was hindered further by the sound of raindrops hitting the canopy, yet she managed to catch my words.
“Do you like Elliot?”
There was a short pause. Our eyes didn’t meet.
But I could tell she was genuine from the sincerity in her words.
“Yes. I like Elliot.”
“…”
I had no words to add.
I felt…
Crushed.
“How about you, Elliot?”
Me?
I raised my head and met her eyes.
“Do you like me?”
Crimson eyes, but a shade different from Elliot’s.
“I…”
Do I like Aria?
Yes.
I like Aria.
I love Aria.
But Elliot ♂ also feels the same way.
So…
I can’t like her.
That…
Which only leaves me with one answer.
“… I can’t like you.”
I’m sorry.
